“Saturday Night Live‘s” cold open took aim at Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s bravado as the U.S. goes to war with Iran as well as Kristi Noem’s firing from the Department of Homeland Security after a string of debacles.
Colin Jost played a revved-up Hegseth holding a press conference to discuss the U.S.’s growing military action in Iran. Jost’s Hegseth was typically pugnacious with the press corps that was almost entirely young white men in skinny ties.
Jost entered with WWE bravado with his signature blue suit and American-flag pocket square. He touted the success of the U.S. mission. “We’re treating Iran like the Breathalyzer in my car — we’re blowing it the hell up,” Jost said.
Jost’s Hegseth bristled when the faux reporters referred to the events of the past week as a war. “It’s a situation-ship. This isn’t a war.” He explained the military tactics being used in Iran in risque terms.
“We’re just in a hookup. If it feels good we’ll keep going, if we get bored we’ll start hooking up with Cuba,” Jost’s Hegseth said. When pressed by a reporter if the U.S. was prepared to put boots on the ground in Iran, Jost’s Hegseth said those boots would in fact be “your mom’s next to my bed after I bang her.”
Jost’s Hegseth berated the media and taunted, “You’re all playing chess — I’m playing ‘Grand Theft Auto.’ “
He then declared himself to be “white Hamilton” and he changed the lyric to one of the most famous lines from the beloved musical: “Just like my country/I’m drunk, angry and horny/and they made me throw away my scotch.”
Jost’s Hegseth then introduced Padilla’s Noem as someone who had been “reassigned under the bus.” Padilla’s Noem came to the podium and declared, “I didn’t get fired. I self-deported.”
The skit also skewered the former North Dakota governor for her penchant for glamming up and putting herself on camera. “As I told my plastic surgeon the work is never done” and “The time has come for me to turn in my badge, gun, lips, lashes, teeth and forehead.”
The skit made fun of Noem’s infamous confession in her autobiography that she once shot one of her dogs (“You miss 100% of the dogs you don’t shoot”) and took dead aim at rumors that Noem, who is married, has had an intimate relationship with Trump aide Corey Lewandowski.
Padilla’s Noem referenced that she will move on to a new role as head of the Trump-created Shield of the Americas entity. She said her new office “is at a WeWork space outside of Denver and it is spectacular.”
The March 7 episode of “Saturday Night Live” marks the fourth time that actor Ryan Gosling has hosted. The musical guest is British band Gorillaz led by Blur frontman Damon Albarn. It’s the band’s first outing on “SNL.”
“SNL” is a promotional stop for Gosling as he tubthumps his latest movie, Amazon MGM’s sci-fi epic “Project Hail Mary,” which opens March 20. Gosling last hosted “SNL” on April 13, 2024.
